Google enters the fitness device market

After the demise of their flagship innovation product, Google Glass, Google have come back strongly with the release of their new body monitoring device, part of the ChromeBit family, as a direct challenge to fitness monitoring devices such as FitBit.

The new product employs a never-before-deployed technology that allows it to monitor heart rate, body temperature, and movement (separately measuring walking, running, and squats). Not only that, it also measures calorific intake, metabolic activity, gut chemistry, and bowel flora.

"To achieve such unprecedented levels of personal data access, we needed to mount the device near the centre of movement of the body - the pelvis" explained Google's new Director of Ergometric Products, Endo Rect. "We also needed access to body tissue with good blood flow for a clear pulse, and of course we had to have access to the alimentary canal. Combining these factors led us to develop the world's first rectally inserted fitness tracker: Google Ass".

Google Ass will sync with any Android device that has installed the MyAss app from Google Play. This allows the user to track daily exercise and diet. The chemical sensors on Google Ass monitor digestive activity to record not only the quantity of food eaten but also the types of food. Early trials indicate the device can distinguish between a vindaloo and a madras, and even recognises the presence or absence of ranch dressing on salads.

Google Ass uses the new generation Bluetooth 5.0 which provides boosted signal strength for intra-corporal applications such as this. Google still recommend carrying the linked mobile phone in a hip pocket for reliable connectivity, especially after a heavy meal.

MyAss records all biometric data in a cloud database that the user can make available in real-time to fitness trainers, doctors, dieticians, or parole officers. MyAss will track bowel health and recommend reduced meat intake, dietary yoghurt, or colonic irrigation as necessary.

© Copyright CanstockPhoto.comGoogle Ass features a contoured profile for easy fitting, a washable case waterproof to 100m, and a range of fluorescent colours to "make recovery easy when the device exits the body". The patented asymmetric shape of the case "aids retention", and trials show "recovery is only required periodically". The actual dimensions have not been published at this time but Google describes them as "comfortable after a little practice". Initial reports indicate it is too large to be swallowed.

Google offered no explanation for the lack of any audible or vibrating alerts from Google Ass. All messages display only on the MyAss portal on a linked Android device. The MyAss app does produce an audible warning if the Google Ass passes out of range to alert the user to the need for recovery.

Google Ass also lacks a microphone or camera.

The device has no external openings other than chemical sensors so wired connectivity is not possible. Nor is charging the battery possible by traditional microUSB, but this is not a problem says Google's Rect, because the Google Ass uses state of the art thermocouple technology to charge from body heat. Google Ass comes with a leather thong to store and charge the device when not in use. There is no strap.

Rect says "We are confident that the new Google Ass will see much higher levels of adoption than Google Glass because of its discrete location. We don't advise actually fitting it in public places, especially bars, but once installed it is not in your face like Glass." Users report the only clue to its presence is an occasional fidget or faraway expression.

Advance orders for Google Ass are being accepted online from April 1st. Final product release awaits clinical trials and FDA approval.

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