Things ITSM consultants hear

We started to put together a list of the silly things ITSM consultants hear. You might like to add to it...

This came from a facebook discussion on Back2ITSM:

Christian Tijsmans
"Thank you for introducing us to Kanban, but we are going to do 'semi Kanban' on our own because we think this will get better results in our culture"

"We are doing daily standups, People are invited to come share their issues each Wednesday morning, if they feel like it"
actual quote from the same EX-customer

James Finister
"I've interviewed 20 consultants and so far none of them have agreed with me about what the solution is"

"Tell me how many FTE I need for each process and what the ROI will be for each one"

"We have an urgent requirement to do this. Drop everything to respond by tomorrow".....two months later "Oh, didn't we tell you we put it on hold?"

Phil Green
"We've secured project funding to upgrade to V3 of ITIL so we can remain ITIL compliant!" - the funding they got was serious - six figures!

James Gander
"We want to do ITIL, so please don't confuse things by mentioning anything else."

"These recommendations of yours are out of scope you can forget about that" - 2 weeks later - " Those recommendations we discussed; can we get them implemented by the end of next week?"

PeterH
From a major retail client "You have to understand that we are special here. We work a different way over the Christmas period than we do the rest of the year" (So its just you and the rest of the retail industry of the entire western hemisphere huh?

from a large European firm "ITIL is just about documents. Stop trying to talk to my support teams and just get them to it!"

And of course...the ultimate classic that lets you know your in for a bumpy ride this time
"We installed ITIL previously but it did not work and we don't know why"

Christophe De Boeck
In response to my question whether the new solution had been validated against requirements and whether the external test results had been verified, an acting CIO told me: "aahh, documentation is something for later".

Rob England
"Thank you for your detailed proposal. We've decided to do the following phases ourselves"

"I don't know what all this change process stuff is that you are doing. We just need a change form to pass audit. Design a form"

"I've signed off lots of service catalogues in my time and that's not a service catalogue"

"Implementing process is easy. Download something. Do global edits. Pin it up in the tea room"
from a CIO

"We tried ITIL. It doesn't work."

"Our ITIL project will do one process a month"

"We want to save money with ITIL"

"We are doing Scrum. We have a stand up every morning"

"Thank you for your $38,000 proposal. The correct answer was $20,000. Please do it again."

"We've thought about it for two months and we accept. Can you start next week?"

"We go live in two months. It's an emergency. Can you help?"
Procurement process to engage me took 5 weeks.

Dec 23: "Here is the RFP. Sorry for the delay. Responses are due January 4 when we get back from the beach" (Southern hemisphere summer holidays)

"We are changing to another tool. The one we have..." which is used successfully in thousands of organisations "...doesn't work".

feel free to add more in the comments below - I'll copy some good ones into this post